Ten Years Ago

Ten years ago I climbed a hill behind our house, out of earshot of anyone but a few sheep, and I wept. Things were about as tough as they’d ever been for me as an adult. I’d tried unsuccessfully to leave the agency I’d founded, now the agency was about to fold and I knew that we’d lose our house. My wife was struggling desperately with post-natal depression. And my Dad had just been diagnosed with a brain tumour.

It was bad.

And as I sat weeping on the hillside I was without hope.

What I didn’t know then was that in that awful moment my life was being reset. Everything was about to go back to zero. After fifteen years of working late nights, weekends and everything in between, I was now going to lose our family home and our savings. My self-perception was in tatters: I was a failure. The one thing I still had - and boy did I cling to it - was my love for my family.  

But from that blank slate, slowly, month by month, year by year, a new path began to emerge. I knew that whatever I was going to do to make a living I wanted it to have more meaning than just getting people to watch stuff or buy things. And somehow, almost by accident, I found myself working with a new purpose. I’d always believed in creativity as a good thing. So I decided I was going to do what I could, in my own small way, to bring more creativity into the world.

Now here I am a decade later. There were a couple of years living with my in laws, and a few in a tiny rental, but at last we have our own house again; it’s not big, but it’s ours. I’ve had a book published; it’s yet to trouble the bestseller lists, but, you know, it’s a book and it’s in some shops. I’m being paid to do something I enjoy and find meaningful. And my wife and kids - and my dad - are all doing OK. Life is not perfect. There are still days when self-doubt floors me, and others when I wonder where on earth the next job’s going to come from, but most of the time, things are good.

So why am I sharing this story?

Well, it’s ten years this month since I sat on that hill and I wanted to mark it. Also, in my role now as a coach and someone people look to for advice, maybe even as someone who from the outside looks like they’re sorted, I wanted to be open about the path that’s led me here. But most of all, I’m sharing this story just in case someone reading it is feeling like I did that day. Like they’ve hit rock bottom and there’s no way out of the mess they’re in. If that’s you, then please don’t give up. You will find a way forward. And maybe - even though it really, really doesn’t feel like it right now - the place you end up will be better than the one you’re about to leave behind.

I wrote this piece for Mental Health Awareness Week 2023. If you’re struggling right now you can contact The Samaritans or one of these organisations. And if you’re struggling with debt StepChange can help.